You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
