why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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