Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Come on in and take your pants off
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