Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
