she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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