Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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