I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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