when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
