After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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