If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You ruined the universe
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
