part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
