Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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