Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
