The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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