You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
