my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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