i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
