I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My ass is underappreciated
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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