Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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