Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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