Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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