I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
