Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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