My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
