Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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