what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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