My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
