shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
