yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
