Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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