My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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