i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
