I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
