you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
