OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
