Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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