so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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