dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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