You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
