and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The adults are the big ones right?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
