Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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