fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
