Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
