Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
