I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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