well I can't set my house on fire every night
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
