I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
