This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
