And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
