Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
